Head of the UTG film department and mastermind behind Reasonable Remakes, Justin Proper has brought us another new column. Ladies and gentleman, allow us to introduce you to: How Bad Is It?
Movies are the number one source of entertainment according to a statistic I just made up. Everyone loves going to the movies. It’s a standard date night, and has helped millions of teens awkwardly hold hands in the dark. Movies are a great escape from reality, and help people relieve the stress of their lives. Unfortunately every once in a while a movie gets released that ruins the experience.…
When I started this article last week I thought it would be fun. As a lover of movies I can usually enjoy the experience, regardless of the quality of the film. Going to the theater has always held a special place in my heart, and before yesterday I didn’t think anything could ruin that for me. I got to the theater early, altered my mind, bought some tickets, and eagerly awaited the arrival of my female companion (that’s right nerds, I took a girl to a movie). We got some drinks and headed in to the theater number nine, completely unaware of the horror that awaited us. Instead of the wonderful, nostalgic, almost whimsical experience, I usually have at the movies all that awaited me was a new form of hell I didn’t think possible.The Movie
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (which will be referred to as just Breaking Dawn from here on out) is the fourth installment of the Twilight Saga movies that are based on the awful books of the same name. It stars Cedric from the Harry Potter films as a really cheesy teen vampire and the daughter from Panic Room as a girl who’s very bad at making good decisions in her life. The movie starts with the two getting married (full disclosure: I never saw the other movies) and then going on their honeymoon where apparently the vampire impregnates the girl who can’t make her face show emotions.
I guess this is a bad thing because everyone freaks out and more people rush to help them deal with this “vampire/human baby” situation. I’m sure there’s more to the movie, but we’ll get to that later. The series has a cult following and I’m sure it will make a disgusting amount of money, but critics have not been so friendly. Reviews for Breaking Dawn have said things like “stretches a 50 minute story in to two hours” and “by any normal standard this is a terrible movie”. It currently has a 27% on Rotten Tomatoes, most of the positive reviews being from die hard Twilight fans.
These people aren't considered pedophiles for some reason
How Bad Is It?
I really wanted to find out what all the excitement was about so I went to the movie with all my preconceptions thrown out. Objectivity was the name of the game here, and I knew it would be an uphill battle, but I truly feel that I gave Breaking Dawn an honest shot. Unfortunately all the mind altering substances in the world couldn’t save this one (trust me, I tried). Early on it was very clear that the only reason this movie was split in to two parts was because the last Harry Potter movie was. Any scene that only needed to be around a minute was stretched out with slow motion or more shots of the characters “reflecting” on their thoughts.
Breaking Dawn: Now with 50% more brooding looks.
As far as weddings in movies go this may have been one of the weirdest and most boring marriages to appear on the big screen. When Bella walked down the aisle I didn’t know if she was nervous, confused, or constipated, but either way I didn’t believe the performance. This was followed by a ceremony where everyone, yes EVERYONE, gave a speech at the reception. This would have been topped off when Edward gives what would be a heartwarming toast to Bella. I say “would be” because for some reason Robert Pattinson decided that the best way to give a good performance was to channel Christopher Walken.
None of the movie was even the part of the experience that made me the most uncomfortable. No, that honor goes to hearing a wave of 10-12 year olds giggling whenever there was anything remotely sexual on screen. If you want to feel like a creepy pervert, go see this movie. Based on the giggling and voices I heard in the theater I would say that the average age of the room was 13. I’m not a parent, but I felt really strange seeing moms taking their daughters who were clearly too young to understand the concepts being shown in this movie. I’m not saying that These movies and books are ruining America, but I’m pretty sure these books and movies are ruining America.
So how bad was it? I walked out around the 45 minute mark, and I’ve never walked out of a movie before in my life.